The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
