i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
