Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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