Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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