I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
