I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
