then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
