someone threw a dead crab at me
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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