I just cut my nipple shaving
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
