so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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