when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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