Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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