Your mouth is God's brothel.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
