Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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