In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
