I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
