I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
