I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're my little dorito
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
wanna go halves on a baby?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you win again, gameday.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
