just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize