I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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