Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize