Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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