Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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