paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize