I've blown a few things in my day
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
