you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
