...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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