bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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