My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
