it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
