Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
