i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
