I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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