I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize