Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
