I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
