i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
