Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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