i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
