my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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