There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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