: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
