some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
