Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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