Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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