Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
