i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
