Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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