She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
