I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
