How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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