Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
