I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You are a genius and a whore.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
