i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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