Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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