i think i have two assholes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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