I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
