Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
