Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
