3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
