what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize