just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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