u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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